Which platforms do you support?

Shopify, Magento/Adobe Commerce, BigCommerce, custom headless storefronts, and more.

We tie the knot between clicks & conversions—by Friday.

Q: How fast is ‘by Friday’?

We ship the first measurable experiments within 5 business days of kickoff.

If your funnel’s been “dating” revenue for too long, we’ll officiate the ceremony: rapid UX fixes, ruthless CRO, ad spend that actually pays rent, and analytics you can trust.

Avg +28% CR in 60 days Platform-agnostic: Shopify, Magento, BigCommerce No retainers. Sprint first.

Start a Sprint See Results

“By Friday” kickoff

Ship experiments fast

Revenue over vanity

Services that actually move the needle

Satire on the surface; serious under the hood. We obsess over the only metric couples really care about: lifetime value.

Conversion Sprints

Two weeks. A/B tests, UX triage, speed fixes, and a backlog that won’t ghost you.

Heuristic review & quick wins
Experiment design & setup
Checkout & PDP audits

Acquisition That Pays Rent

Paid social + search that knows when to swipe left. Creative that sells without proposal speeches.

Creative + copy testing
Feed hygiene & PMax sanity
ROAS guardrails

Platform Migrations

Shopify, Magento/Adobe Commerce, BigCommerce. No vendor lock-in vows, just clean data and SEO intact.

Zero-downtime plan
URL & schema preservation
Analytics parity

The (Very Short) Ceremony

1) Engagement

Baseline metrics, analytics triage, opportunity sizing. No slides, just clarity.

2) Vows

We commit to experiments with a target KPI uplift and a ship list for week one.

3) Reception

Launch tests, deploy UX fixes, fix tracking, and feed the ad beast responsibly.

4) Honeymoon

Report, learn, and line up the next sprint. If you’re happy, we elope again.

Recent wins

Homewares brand — +36% CR

Three tests: PDP above-the-fold, cart nudges, and smarter search. Rolled out in 12 days.

+36% Conversion rate −18% CPA 95 CLS fixed

Beauty DTC — +22% AOV

Bundles + post-purchase offers. Email flow learned new vows.

+22% AOV +14% LTV @ 90d Zero downtime

Shopify Magento / Adobe Commerce BigCommerce Headless GA4 • Looker • Mixpanel

“We booked the kickoff on Monday. By Friday, our PDP looked married to our customers.”
— Head of E-com, mid-market homewares

Engagement packages

Elopement

£1,990

One-week micro-sprint. Heuristic audit, 1–2 experiments, tracking sanity check.

Book Elopement

Shotgun Sprint

£4,990

Two weeks, full test backlog, UX fixes, ad & feed hygiene, KPI uplift target.

Start Sprint

Vow Renewal

£9,900

Four weeks across CRO + paid + email. Roadmap for the quarter. No retainer.

Plan It

All prices ex VAT. Platform fees, ad spend, and third-party tools not included.

FAQ

Is this… a real agency?

As real as my red Ferrari (not at all). But it could be! Send me a message if you want to buy the brand and make a go of it.

How fast is “by Friday”?

Kickoff → scope → ship. We deploy the first experiments within five business days.

Will you just sell us a retainer?

Nope. We prove ROI with a sprint first. If it works, we plan the next sprint. Simple.

Which platforms?

Shopify, Magento/Adobe Commerce, BigCommerce, and headless setups.